As a young girl, I was convinced like many of us, that my parents knew everything. It was as simple as black and white, their beliefs became mine. As a teen, of course, that changed as I struggled for autonomy and had a few life experiences under my belt. Still, I believed that I was right; if others disagreed they were mistaken. Everything was open to judgement, religion, politics, books, music and child rearing, even housekeeping!
The story I told was mine and the more I repeated it, the more I became invested in it. Until one day my world changed and my opinions were challenged. You see, I did not believe in divorce. Did not believe it could ever happen in my picture perfect world. I was wrong and everything in my world went topsy turvy. At first, I became the consummate victim, telling my story repeatedly. Once again I became heavily invested in my truth, my new world view.
Neither world view was really suited to me, however. I began a journey of exploration, trying on other’s opinions. This was something I had not done in a long while and certainly not to this degree. What I discovered was that I could change beliefs, modify beliefs and even understand another’s views without fully agreeing on all points. With less judgement of others it became easier to be less critical of myself. I stopped labeling myself as right or wrong (usually wrong).
Many times my clients come in with a story that they have been telling for a long while. They speak of the problem they have, what created it and all the accompanying guilt, shame and fear. Some will try to warn me that I am going to think they are crazy or weird, as if that will soften the blow if I were to say they are beyond help. Others will preach to me about their world views, assuming I agree and it is the rest of the world that is crazy. Still others just dump as much as they can, hoping I will make it all go away.
While it is important to feel heard and I do listen to what someone is sharing with me, there are times when it is just as important to “break state”, that is to interrupt the “trance” of their own story. For example, after someone has told me numerous times how mean their spouse is, I might tell them my pen just ran out of ink and ask them to hand me a pen near them. This allows me to now insert a new direction to lead the session. It is then that I can introduce my three favorite words, “Up until now”.
For example, “Up until now I believed my child was naughty when she threw a temper tantrum. Now I understand she doesn’t have the skills yet to deal with the situation at hand.” From there we can begin to strategize the tools and lessons we want to share with the child. This allows us to transition from a battle (where someone has to lose) to a win for all. Imagine no longer feeling like a failure as a parent or a child! With those magical three words changes to understanding and compassion.
- Up until now, I believed I was lazy because I haven’t exercised. Now I know I just needed the socialization of a class to get me motivated.
- Up until now, I believed I was stupid because I hated math. Now I know I learn better with math games.
- Up until now, I believed I was not likable. Now I realize it was me judging myself harshly.
- Up until now, I believed my boyfriend’s family didn’t like me. Now I understand there are cultural differences in how we express ourselves.
Now Create Your Own “Up Until Now”
Up until now, I believed ________________. Now I understand ___________________________.
