“Into each life some rain must fall.” A famous quote by Henry Wadsworth Longfellow and yet, there are times it seems more like a monsoon. We have all been given bad news, whether it is the loss of a job, a lover or a negative health prognosis. The news can leave us with our heads spinning while anxiety, fear and dread take over. However you put it, bad news is exactly what it is: stressful, unpleasant and consuming.
We can’t make bad news go away. It is a fact of life that bad things happen, even to good people and so, stress occurs in our lives. Acknowledging this can be empowering providing you use the information in the right way. By being mindful, we help ourselves to stay steady, learn something new while remaining in the now. We can appreciate the now. So how does one begin coping with bad news?
Coping Tools
First of all, it is ok to feel all the emotions attached to the news. By avoiding those feelings, we only strengthen them. What we tend to do is to ruminate on the fear, rather than experience the shock and grief. This leads us to creating a future that is probably far worse than reality. There is a wise saying that what we resist persists. So, go ahead and sit with your feelings, notice where they sit in your body. Notice the physical sensations, notice when your mind begins to wander to fear (ruminating) again and gently return your thoughts to the physical sensations. Just doing this may surprise you.
If you find your thoughts ramping up, close your eyes and take deep breathes, feeling the air going to the area that you are feeling those sensations in your body. Do this for a few moments to get the flow going through you. If, after a few moments, you find yourself still racing in thought, then pick a spot to focus on. Look around and very slowly and very carefully focus on either the sights or the sounds around you. Sights and sounds can help to clear your head and allow you to gain insight into what actions you can take.
Once you have taken time to clear your head a bit, pick up a pen and paper and begin to write out what is troubling you. This is one time when it is best to write by hand, not type if at all possible. Don’t worry about spelling, punctuation or penmanship because this isn’t for anyone else’s eyes. The faster you write uninterrupted, the more true emotions can spill onto the paper. Eventually, the writing will change from a charge of emotion to some possible actions, solutions or simply clarity on the issue. Take a break, breath in what you have written and then you can begin to write again to attempt to get to the heart of the matter. Don’t judge what you write, just let it flow. (That is why it is important that this is for your eyes only.) Take another few deep breathes and create a list of solutions, without judgment.
Speaking of judgment, be aware of who you share your news with. A friend who is going to cry or freak out every time he or she talks to you is not going to be helpful. There are those who seem to take pleasure in seeing the failures and hurts of another. They are not the kind of people you can expect much support from. You need to be able to share and get support, not criticism. Another person to avoid is the one who always has a story of how their luck is even worse. This is not a competition you want to enter into. Keep yourself surrounded in positive and loving friends and family. Take a break from the others.
Spend time doing healthy and loving things for yourself. This may be a time of changing routines, into some healthier ones. However, keep some wiggle room in your life to have familiar comforts as well. Be kind to yourself. If you have always loved getting lost in a romance novel or visiting a local art museum, take time out to do just that. Remember that there is no shame in asking for help during a time of crisis. If you find you are overwhelmed and can’t seem to find peace, get help from a professional. Sometimes, it is just being heard, other times it is the difference that a trained professional with lots of tools in their kit can make.
When you first hear bad news, it is rough. There will be moments you may feel full on panic and others where you are comatose, overwhelmed. But time does help to distance you from those initial sensations and the sooner you can get the support and plan of action you need, the better you’ll feel. Fran Drescher, famous for her TV series, “The Nanny,” is a cancer survivor, and she put it best when she described her journey and all it has taught her, “Sometimes the best gifts come in the ugliest packages.” It won’t be easy, but as she said, there will be unexpected gifts and insights along the way.
