In The Midst Of Chaos

The message was on my phone when I awoke on a Saturday morning about one and a half months ago.  My mother was found on the floor in a fetal position, scared, undressed and confused. When she couldn’t be helped up, the ambulance was called and she was taken to a local hospital. Since then I have spent part of almost every day with her, first at the hospital and now at the rehab center. As anyone who has dealt with an aging parent knows, it can be a rollercoaster of highs, lows and in-betweens. Simultaneously, I have been spending some time with a friend who has her own health challenges.

My challenge, I found was to maintain balance. Or at this moment, finding balance. You know the balance I so often speak of? Now was a chance to put into practice what I teach. While I am not new to this, ‘crisis management’ is not my first choice of fun things to do. But, I want to live a happy and fun life.

Naturally the first thing to remember is to breathe. What happens in stressful situations? We get tense and experience shortness of breath. Driving to and from, I noticed I was holding my breath and choking the steering wheel. I reminded myself on the way to visit Mom, take deep breathes at every stop light. I found myself enjoying the commute, it was a chance to clear my head and prepare for whatever I was going to next encounter. Cars that raced ahead of mine I noticed often ended waiting at the same lights with me.  Hmmm…..

Finding the humor in every day is vital. Mom was always a funny woman, bright and a great story teller. I had asked her a few years ago to answer in emails a series of questions about her childhood. This was to preserve those memories for my sons. They have come in handy now, as I could remind her of them and get her to laugh with me. We laughed over memories of pets, naughty things my younger brothers had pulled (as twins they were truly double trouble) and ways she had hoodwinked her own beleaguered mother. What she didn’t know was that some of the things she would say in her moments of confusion, I posted on my Facebook account to allow me to save the humor in even this situation.

Facebook Posts

• Mom: I need a hypnotist

         Me: Mom, I am a hypnotist

         Mom: A real, bona-fide hypnotist?

         Me: Yes, the real deal, I have won awards for my work.

                  What do you need?

         Mom: Oh never mind, I can’t remember.

• Mom told me her pain pill was confused, it thought it was a computer. I asked her if she could use her programming skills to create a pain free experience. She decided to develop that process.

I do my best to get proper sleep, exercise and eat healthy. It is easy when one is busy to forget those things; still it is very important to remember self-care. If I find myself slipping, I practice self-hypnosis. Taking the time for a session can turn the day around! Sometimes it is as typical a session as releasing the stress, other times it might be allowing my subconscious mind to direct me to how to resolve an issue that arises. Always it is a good opportunity to refresh and return to calm within, regardless of chaos that might be surrounding me.

I can’t rehearse for guilt

Another balance tool is sharing a little time with a friend. Some friends I reach out to by phone, others in person. Sometimes it is to vent or cry, but most times to “catch up” and laugh. Just today I had an opportunity to meet with a friend, unscheduled! I had an appointment on my calendar, but it was rescheduled at last minute. This left me with time that I could dutifully go see my mother, work on paperwork, clean or any of a dozen tasks. I thought about it for a moment and decided all those things were going to continue to call out to me, but I craved friendship and balance. I called a girlfriend who met up with me and we had a marvelous time.

As we were speaking, I said to her that I knew I could end up feeling guilty for the things I didn’t do for my mother when she eventually leaves us. However, I also know that the stages of grief will happen. Therefore, it dawned on me that I can’t rehearse for guilt. That wasn’t going to eliminate the guilt later, only mess up the NOW. Balance means living in the now.

Although it is hard to say no when Mom wants me, there are times I have to. Refusing the woman who I have loved my entire life is a challenge. It is then that I must recall that just as she had to say no to me at times as I grew up, I may have to do the same now. At times I allow the professionals to take over.  She sent me to school and that meant that others watched over and guided me, just as the nurses and caregivers where she is are doing the same for her.

Finding Balance

The search for balance is hard but necessary. With a healthy balance, the guilt will not feel as prevalent. The answer is never obvious.  It is important to keep my mind open to new ways to explore it, balance is never that far away. Balance is within.