On September 11, 2018, I awoke early with the plans to take my brother (Rafer) out to run errands. He had been in a car accident and his car was totaled, so he enlisted my help. There were many ways he had been getting help from me for quite a while. Allow me to give you a little back story.

Six months after mom was placed in the skilled nursing facility, my father ended up in the same facility. My world became crazy busy. It was up to me to see to their finances and health care. I began visits as close to seven days a week as I could. Rafer had lived with them and now as he was on Disability he would need section 8 housing. He was put on a two year wait list! Every morning I would awaken at 4:30 trying to resolve his housing issues. I made calls, visits to facilities, spoke with social workers and more. He lived in fear of becoming homeless.

Maintaining balance had to become a priority for me. I used every tool I could imagine and even took classes to learn more.

This past July, Rafer was hit by another driver and his car was totaled. It became my goal to help him find a replacement, yet he never seemed to buy. The burden of helping him run errands, visit with my parents and look at car lots was simply too much. By September, his problems (while real) could not become my problems. So, I set boundaries. Therefore, I told my brother he had to find something/anything, and our trips would be less frequent. Our next day to run errands and look at cars was set for 9/11/18.

As I mentioned previously, I woke early that morning. I picked up my tablet and began to look at my email. There was one from Rafer and it was marked urgent, so I opened it first. In the email he gave a detailed account of how to care for his dog and where to find the dog’s food, supplements and other dog supplies. He ended the note with the statement that “he made this decision and he wanted no memorial or funeral!”

I panicked, wanting to head immediately to the house, however, I called 911 and they told me to stay put until they contacted me. While it was a couple of hours before the sheriff was at my door, it seemed like hours. My brother had suicided. He used the same efficient method as Robin Williams, Kate Spade and Anthony Bourdain.

My husband drove me to the house to pick up the dog and his supplies. My younger brother who lives in Georgia was packing and on his way to us. He was a tremendous support to me in many ways. He was also able to be here for the next devastating hit. Two days after Rafer died, my father died of natural causes.

Initially I was numb, in shock.

I promised my husband that if I felt overwhelmed with the grief, I would seek help through Hospice counseling, the same way I encourage my clients. Meanwhile, the “take charge” part of me attended to all the details that follow a death. Being busy was necessary, also it was cathartic.

However, the image I had created in my mind of my brother wouldn’t go away. That is when I made the call to see a grief counselor. Those visits were priceless. The therapist reinforced that I wasn’t responsible for my brother’s decision. Something my husband and younger brother had said, but the counselor doesn’t love me, so it became a valid point of view and not just a need to protect me. He reminded me of tools I use with clients, such as letter writing, mindful walking and self-hypnosis.

For the image, he mentioned something that sparked a recall of a tool I use regularly with my clients. It involves specific eye movements combined with redirecting thoughts. After that session, when I got in my car, before I started it up I used that method briefly. The image was neutralized. When I got home, I repeated the process. The image stopped showing up for me.

Last weekend we were saying good bye to a friend who is moving out of state and my husband mentioned Rafer’s death and in the context it was given, that gruesome image began to creep back in. I immediately went to the bathroom and used the method. Image gone again. With regular self-hypnosis sessions I am really feeling the new normal without feeling so much pain.

I share this with you, not to solicit any sympathy from you.

To me it is important that people understand that suicide is not a reason for shame. It sucks, really sucks for the survivor, but it can’t be kept a deep dark secret. I urge people to seek help, get more tools to help the healing whether they are the person contemplating suicide or the survivor of a loved one’s suicide. Too often, suicide is something we feel shame about and so we keep it a secret. When we keep a secret, we empower shame.

According to a report written by Harvard Medical School, “After a homicide, survivors can direct their anger at the perpetrator. In a suicide, the victim is the perpetrator, so there is a bewildering clash of emotions. On one hand, a person who dies by suicide may appear to be a victim of mental illness or intolerable circumstances. On the other hand, the act may seem like an assault on or rejection of those left behind. So, the feelings of anger, rejection, and abandonment that occur after many deaths are especially intense and difficult to sort out after a suicide.”

After any death, there are the inevitable “what if” questions. However, after a suicide the questions often become more extreme and self-punishing — unrealistically condemning the survivor for failing to predict the death or to intervene effectively or on time. Experts tell us that in such circumstances, survivors tend to greatly overestimate their own contributing role — and their ability to affect the outcome.

Research suggests that suicide survivors find individual counseling and suicide support groups to be particularly helpful. There are many general grief support groups, but those focused on suicide appear to be much more valuable. I chose the route of individual counseling as I mentioned above and I am so very glad I did. It is truly my intention that anyone who is facing a challenge in mental wellness seek help. There is no shame in needing help, it is a crying shame to not get help.

Two articles that are helpful:

*Practical Information for Immediately After a Loss

*Support After Suicide

I recorded this two years ago, the information is just as important today. Remember, got stress? Take a breath. Deep breathing is your how your body calms itself down! If you take the time to breathe, you make the time to de-stress.

The Hypnosis Education Association graciously awarded me this year with an Angel Award. I am humbled and grateful.

One costume that has been making the rounds before Halloween is even here is the scary clown, not to be mistaken for the beloved circus clown. They have created a lot of fear as there have been sightings of these clowns along roadsides. Some reports speak of an attempt to pull children away from safety. Here is an article from Scientific American that explains a little bit about clowns and fear and the current trend going on. I found it interesting reading.

Why Clowns Creep Us Out

Just a reminder, if you have an irrational or paralyzing fear of clowns, hypnosis can help you!

“I wish that I could be like the cool kids,” is the hook for the hit song by Echosmith, with over 68 million views. At one time or another you may have been preoccupied by the idea that someone, somewhere, is having a better time, making more money, or living a more exciting life.  Social media has made our lives public and we feel the need to make our lives seem glamourous. We take selfies in glamorous places, we post our every meal and drink and we tag one another at galas. All in the name of proving we are one of the cool kids. Thus, in 2013 the term FoMO (Fear of Missing Out) was added to the Oxford English Dictionary.

There isn’t anything wrong with wanting to keep tabs on friends and family, it is a part of our humanity to want to be social. However, our party selfies are having a whole lot more fun than we are. We share links to news articles in order to look savvy and yet according to research done by Columbia University and the French National Institute we don’t read what we are sharing!  (Yes, I read the report.) This causes me to think about the Jimmy Fallon Lie Witness News bits where he interviews people with fake facts and they answer as if they had seen it on social media.

We enjoy a pants free night. You know the kind of evening where we can sit around the house and binge watch the latest episodes on Netflix or maybe even play endless hours of chase the string with Kitty. It could include take out for dinner or trying a new recipe. It is just nice to have that time at home without obligations.

Apparently that concept is catching on. There is a new phrase in town, PoMO or Pleasure of Missing Out. According to Yelp Eat24 CEO Mike Ghaffary, the delivery orders have risen by over 50% in the past several years.  When people opt out of all the events they are invited to attend on Facebook, Twitter, Meet UP, etc. they leave room for breathing. They create space for real connections and they save money that could be used for say, a vacation? To me, this is a wonderful reframe. Perhaps we can live in a world full of social media and still find time to put down the phone. Maybe connecting with our friends and neighbors can once again become enriching. More importantly, imagine taking time to connect with your true self? I have mentioned before how our addiction to technology can be dangerous if we don’t remain aware. If you want to go from FoMO to PoMO and need some help with that, think about trying hypnosis. Now that is a real connection with yourself!

The Fourth of July is almost here and recipes for everything barbecue and decadent are all over the media. Fourth of July parties are being planned. The fireworks are set for display. In fact, one town near me has already had their fireworks show, so that locals could get in as many shows as possible. I love the anticipation, the joy and the excitement this all brings. More important though is what all of this symbolizes. We are celebrating freedom. The freedom of our country yes, but I believe it is a deeper freedom we want to celebrate.

We are born with a psychological freedom, by that I mean a detachment from labels, styles, failures, possessions, occupations and more. We arrive in this world naked and pure. As we grow, one by one the layers are placed upon us. We learn to “fit in”. We are given labels and uniforms. The purity turns to judgement, the harshest is what we heap on ourselves. We begin to find more and more reasons we don’t measure up, which means we have to work harder at obtaining labels that we believe will free us.

My clients come from all walks of life. Some are wealthier than others, some are more classically beautiful and some are more social. The one thing all of them have in common is that they see themselves as “broken” in some way. Eventually, freedom has been reduced to an impossible label of perfection. If they could only lose more weight, speak more clearly, be a better athlete, then they will be free to be themselves.

I will ask my clients, if you were to have already accomplished your goal, how would you be different? Some will say they will feel better about themselves, others tell me how they will be happier, less fearful or any variety of feelings that freedom brings. I will ask them to imagine how that feels. How it might look if they were free. I want to know what their inner dialogue might sound like if they were free.

Next we take the abstract concept of personal freedom and transform it into something more concrete. I have had clients identify the negative sensations as shapes, colors, textures and even scents. We find where it resides in the body and I will ask them if they can hand what they have just identified over to me. From there, we may shrink it, move it, shred it or even flush it in the commode!

Once the old concept is gone, it is time to fill the space it occupied with the sense of having achieved the goal. Filling themselves with freedom is a lighter and happier experience.  We naturally move away from pain towards pleasure. This makes the process of filling the empty space with goodness a natural one. As we practice those feel good moments, they become more and more comfortable and natural to us.

The Fourth of July And Your Freedom

Maybe it is time for you to experience freedom.

You can choose from the list below and declare on this Fourth Of July that you are now free.

I am FREE from:

• my ego
• the blame game
•  depression
• shame
• pride
• ego based anger
• having to justify myself
• the fear of self-ridicule
• self-doubt
•  self-damning
• manipulation of my ego
• the game of pride or shame
• the lies of self-esteem
• the pressure to be something
• the pressures to become something
• ego based anxiety
• having to prove myself

Enjoy your barbecues, parties and celebrations. When you watch the fireworks this year, celebrate true freedom, personal freedom not only this Fourth of July but everyday beyond!

At the end of my yoga class today this song played. It reminded me of this video that I had put together six years ago. I still feel the same about my life and gratitude, so I thought it might be fun to post again!

I thought I might be Gollum, you know the fictional character from Lord Of The Rings. Like Gollum, I have coveted something “precious” in the past and it has stolen my joy. But after researching more about Gollum and his psychological profile, I am relieved to say I am not him. Still, the truth is, I have envied others and it did steal the joy from that moment.

What I have come to realize is that it is up to me whether I enjoy my life. I can see the beauty in my morning walks and feel gratitude that I am able to walk safely where I live or I can resent that I have to get up and out by a certain time every day in order to keep my dog from having accidents and keep up with my work schedule. I can enjoy creating fun and different dinners each night with my husband or I can feel put upon that I have to cook. If a friend or neighbor gets a newer and fancier vehicle than mine, does that diminish that I have a safe mode of transportation?

I recently spoke with a client who expressed that she was angry with the Universe because she thought she might not get a job she had interviewed for, her gym was possibly closing and she had to delay a home improvement project due to finances, while someone she knew had just won $5000.  When we broke things down into smaller chunks, she realized life might not be all that bad. The job had not been assigned to anyone yet and she was still a candidate. Furthermore, she currently has a very good job. The gym was still open and she had also signed up for some classes in another club where she was making new friends. While the home improvement project might be delayed, she has a lovely home for her and her children to live in. So, maybe she isn’t the Universal Hacky Sack?

Her real issue was something totally different and she had begun to allow that situation to color all of her thinking. She is not alone in doing that. To some extent, it seems we all do. We allow one aggressive driver who cuts us off to change our mood for the day. If you break things down into numbers and percentages though, how much of your total day did you deal with that one incident? I am not fond of being left on hold for twenty minutes by customer service, but out of 24 hours, it is really less than one percent of my day.  When I remember that, I can choose to use the time more constructively. I can deep breathe, color or doodle, clean out my spam files; there are any numbers of possibilities. Imagine if I took that time to make a gratitude list, so that the next time I felt jealous of someone else, I could pull it out and remember why my life is so good?