Whenever I meet someone new and they ask what I “do”, I tell them I am a hypnotist. You can imagine the responses that brings. There are those who are truly interested and ask lots of questions about hypnosis. There are those who dismiss me instantly, for a variety of reasons. Hopefully, my breath is not one of them!

There are those who instantly avert their eyes in fear. As if looking into my eyes had that much power. My goodness, if I were that all powerful, my sons would clean up their bedrooms and the toilet seat would always be down! (Especially in the middle of the night, thank you!) I am asked if I can make a partner change a behavior or habit. No, I cannot make anyone do anything, again if I could, that shoe shrine would exist in my house.

Often a nervous first time visitor to my office will joke and ask if they will leave clucking like a chicken. I very sincerely explain that I charge extra for that. In life, I believe, you have to have a sense of humor about yourself. As a blonde, a hypnotist and a mother of two sons, it is a survival tactic.

So today, I post jokes about hypnosis. I know many of my readers are jokers as well. So I am asking you to share the jokes and reactions with me that you have always wanted to share. I just ask that you keep it clean, my dear Mumsy reads this!

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A woman phoned the hypnotist’s office a week after her husband had visited with her. She was concerned that her husband could not remember anything about his visit. “What did you so to him?”

The hypnotist reassured the woman that temporary memory loss of the session was not abnormal and that they had worked on his sadness, as he had already shared with the wife. “I told him while he was under that he would be better and better every day, better and better every way. It is simple enough and I often use direct, positive suggestions like this. Why?”

The wife responded with, “Did you know he was a slightly deaf?” “Yes,” responded the hypnotist, “that wasn’t his reason for sadness.” The wife then responded, “But it does explain his new problem! Since his visit to your office he has lost a ton of money betting every day in every way!”
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OK, not so funny, but a start.
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A local preacher was dissatisfied with the small amount in the collection plates each Sunday. A hypnotist suggested to him that perhaps he might be able to hypnotize the congregation
into giving more. “And just how would I go about doing that?” he asked.

“It is very simple. First you turn up the air conditioner so that the auditorium is warmer than usual. Then you preach in a monotone. Meanwhile, you dangle a watch on a chain and swing it in a slow arc above the lectern and suggest they put 20 dollars in the collection plate.”

So the very next Sunday, the reverend did as suggested, and lo and behold the plates were full of 20 dollar bills. Now, the preacher did not want to take advantage of this technique each and every Sunday. So therefore, he waited for a couple of weeks and then tried his mass hypnosis again.

Just as the last of the congregation was becoming mesmerized, the chain on the watch broke and the watch hit the lectern with a loud thud and springs and parts flew everywhere.

“CRAP!” exclaimed the pastor.

It took them a week to clean up the church.
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Hey, I’m a hypnotist, not a joke teller.
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Worried about their less than exciting sex life, a young wife sent her husband to a therapist who wound up treating him with self-hypnosis. And, to her joy, everything got much better. However, she could not help but notice that each night, early into their lovemaking, the husband would dash out to the bathroom for several minutes. This tormented her until finally, one night, she followed him. There, in front of the mirror, she found him applying this therapeutic technique: “She’s not my wife… She’s not my wife…She’s not my wife…”
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Your turn!